This blog started as a way to free-write the revelations I was having while training for my first marathon, but as I’ve gotten older and healed beyond my past, I have a whole new appreciation for reflective writing.
All the time we’ve had at home during Covid has allowed me to completely relive and replay some of my most favorite times in life. Ironically, most of these memories are the ones from taking that first step out of hell and recovering spiritually by the beach.
The beach is always healing, but for me it is home. God speaks to me when I am with the ocean. It is one of the ways I spend a lot of alone time with His love and grace.
Throughout that time, I was suffering internally and working through a lot of truths that I had to admit to myself. When you are suffering, you have nowhere to go but up, so there is this sense of being in your own world all of the time – you are, in fact, completely immune to everything around you because you are focused on putting yourself under the microscope, not others.
“If I had my way, never let you go!” When the ocean told me it was okay to leave, I trusted. And now that I am back, I see that it was kind of like going through Purgatory, to get to Paradise. #GodIsMyOcean #Trust #Love #Family #Friends #Home
This leads to a lifestyle of total fearlessness. You take risks easily because you have already faced death head on. You cling to everything that is good and real because you have already learned what is wrong and fake. Thus, you are in the process of resurrecting. It truly does feel like a trip through Dante’s Inferno, as you experience each phase from Hell, Purgatory, and finally into Heaven: on Earth.
But the best part is, this person you eventually transform into – bloom into – stays with you forever. You end up seeing everything so crystal clear, and no matter how clear it is, it doesn’t hurt you one bit. For now, the truth feels amazing because you were searching for it all along, whether subconsciously or consciously. The truth is just the truth – no feelings or disappointments attached; hence, you feel wiser instead of burdened by a realization. There is no longer this sense of a “high” that can all of a sudden drop to a “low”. You soon realize, the shoe will never drop (even when something bad actually does happen) because you are strengthened by a grace that you didn’t have before. With the truth, there is only levels of HIGH and HIGHER.
This part of you, of accepting and listening to wisdom, develops more and more. It becomes stronger than you could have ever imagined. But unlike other summits in life, this feeling and mentality never leaves you. It simply goes with you into every single stage of life, making you wiser, calmer, more loving, and patient, more aware and understanding.
I remember running to this song (the one that this post was written to) “High and Low” by Empire of the Sun back in the day when I was soft-sand training for beach volleyball season. As I ran from Manhattan Beach Pier to Hermosa Pier and back, I felt this song rip open my heart and take me to a place of euphoria that was higher than any feeling I had ever had in life. But unlike other highs in life, these kinds of breakthroughs transform your mind and life permanently. These newfound truths that are revealed become embedded in every single thing you know – exactly like the effects of prayer, adoration, and long periods of spending time with God. For me, running to this level and to this song, was like tapping into God’s living room and letting Him fill me up with everything I needed to know.
Just like they say, “God meets you where you are”, he meets me through the songs, the running, and the reflections.
At the end of an incredible soft-sand run! The running reflections never end! Beach runs are like being with God in your favorite place ever surrounded by your favorite music and parts of nature! The high is endless!!!!!!! #GodMoments #ForLife #Paradiso
I looked forward to running to the same songs over and over, like this one, in order to cultivate the love I have for God. To this day, when I pray, I can “go there” quickly with or without the songs. I had no idea it would be this natural of a thing to do, but now I am extremely grateful for this learned habit of turning to God fully. It is the only thing that lets my heart expand to the greatest of measures.
I have used this form of transcending for everything in life: trauma, pain, joy, appreciation, relationships, frustration, and understanding. And when Covid happened, I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to turn to God as much as possible once again, so that everyday could feel like the vibes of this song. But more importantly, I decided to run to these songs again because just like everyone else, I feel for the world to the point where the empathy is painful.
Morning Rosaries every single day helps a ton! Empathy is a beautiful thing, but prayer, running, and scripture brought an understanding to the empathy that I would not have been able to see. #StayAtHome #PrayI love to read the Bible, especially at the beach! When the sun is setting it is the perfect time to hone in on a couple verses. Scripture reveals all the wisdom we need to know. Everyone gets to the Bible in their own way, the way each person goes to the beach for their own reasons.
I feel for the people who have endured death and pain during this time. I feel for the kids who don’t have the resources they need for virtual school and for the families who bash teachers left and right. I pray for the ignorance of our country and for those who are less considerate about the pandemic; acting like nothing is going on just because they are blessed to not have undergone a negative experience yet. Each of these things weighs me down. Makes me incredibly sad and left with helpless despair. It’s good to acknowledge all of our wounds, and face them head on. But after sitting with them for a long time and admitting that they are true, we then have to take action.
I have tapped back into my creative life!!! Started making silicone rosaries for babies and mamas throughout Covid. It has been incredibly healing and allows me to tangibly love others closely and provide some sense of comfort during this crazy time.
As I run, I work through these pains and frustrations. I ask God, how can I take action? What can “little me” do? I give it all up to God as I yell mentally, and scream into the void of my head. Then, right there, like a good friend who listens then takes time to respond, or an awesome movie that reveals relative truths at the perfect time in your life, He shows me what I am supposed to do and how I am supposed to feel … all the while my body is moving to the beat of the song, breathing in and out, running to this consistent pace.
Just like when I was recovering 10 years ago and had NO insurance for therapy, NO money, NO help … I had to think of something that would save me from the darkest parts of myself. Bloomified was there for me. That’s how it all started – I had to do SOMETHING. I looked around at my resources, and all I had was God. And guess what? God is MORE than enough. His abundance is unconditional and does not cease.
AND, He doesn’t cost a thing. #FREE
What’s even more beautiful about God? The second you tap into Him, He is everywhere. He comes to you in the ways that you will listen – in the ways that relate to you. Whether it’s running, prayer, meditation, a really nice friend, crafts, nature, the ocean, water in general, the sun, music, going for long drives, family … you name it. God is there. Waiting for you to come home – rest – heal – listen – and B L O O M.
Rest in his love! Take a “Fika Paus” which is a Scandinavian Coffee Break! My love for coffee has been a special way at home for Justin and I to connect each day, talk through our days, and be there for one another. #BloomTogether
