Only Got One by Frou Frou

When we are present and being true to our hearts and who we really are, we can sense what everyone around us is feeling.  The stranger in front of me on the sidewalk is waiting for me to take off my headphones to ask for directions.  The chess players at Coffee Bean are annoyed that there are people drinking coffee and reading so serenely next to their intense click of a game.  The woman reading on the edge of her chair at the end of the table is hoping someone will give her an excuse to leave or move.  The girl walking by looks back at you to make eye contact to feel important, special, or just to be noticed.  We are normally distracted by a million other thoughts that our hearts do not connect with other hearts.  We fail to read into these things because we tell ourselves that it’s not important, or useless, or overly analytical.  But why would it be unimportant to read into someone?  When we read into someone, we read his or her heart and thus, we read into our own heart.  I could tell you a bunch of ways to connect with others, but it’s not about how to connect – it’s about how to cleanse ourselves of all the distractions that keep us from taking the initiative to connect.  We think this is an easy task, but distractions are directly related to avoiding the truth about our purpose in life.

Distractions point out that our purpose is on hold for selfish and superficial reasons.

Distractions are a choice and when we pinpoint each one and give them a label of some sort, we can then see how foolish we really are.  Raise your hand if you want to feel foolish?!  HAHA!  Nope, didn’t think that was a popular question.  So to make it easier, I will confess some of the distractions in my life that I use in order to avoid connecting with people on a genuine level or to avoid following my heart in a direction that I am being called toward.

We tend to think that distractions are always negative or related to addictions, however most distractions are the everyday thoughts and insecurities that fill up our schedules.  Like spam, these pestering distractions, build up until we are running on Auto-Pilot Distraction Mode.  We begin to miss opportunities to connect with people who needed us in a moment or we fail to use our words with care because of our own selfish distracting thoughts and feelings.  These missed opportunities happen within a few seconds.  It happens when we hesitate to hold eye contact with the waiter that has so kindly gone out of his way to box your food and bring you a water cup.  We see that the moment was there to be transformed or to transform the other person, and we chose NOT to take the opportunity for some reason.  Those reasons or hesitations are caused by the build up of distracting thoughts and feelings from a day’s worth of occurrences.

My more obvious distractions look like a list of activities that I love to do.  I turn to these activities when I am putting off major transitions in life.  At the moment, I have a few projects that my heart is calling me to complete.  I am writing a book, feeling out my next career move, training for a marathon, and spending time with the homeless.  However, playing beach volleyball prevents me from making time for all of these callings.  I love playing volleyball and have made many friends through this beautiful sport, but right now I feel compelled to let it go for a little while so that I can make time to put my whole heart in the direction that I am being called.  Even the social scene needs to be minimized during this time and instead I need to choose to simply meditate on my next career move.  We can all relate and we can feel ourselves ache when we are on the court because we feel deep down that we need to be somewhere else.  Right now in my life, I completely ache to say YES to these four callings:  writing, career, marathon, and homeless community. It helps to keep the callings brief in my heart because each keyword emits an “at peace” feeling.  When I say the word to myself, it gives me the peace and strength to know that I must continue to follow my heart in these directions – no matter the situation.  I may want to shoot pool with my favorite people, but my heart is aching to write.  I may want to be on time to volunteer, but the homeless person next to me at the crosswalk needs a handshake and a quick conversation.

My heart literally flutters in these discerning moments and when I envision myself saying “no” to the wants and “yes” to what the heart desires, I am completely at peace to the point where joy radiates from within.

For those who do know me or have had one conversation with me, they wonder why I am always so full of life and excited to just be present.  It comes from following my heart completely and being in that moment with others.

Yet, sometimes we think certain activities or feelings are a distraction, but really we are afraid to admit that they are a necessary step in the right direction.  We doubt the power of the phase we are in because of what others may think or because of how society depicts the particular activity or feeling.  These moments are when we learn about the mystery of life.  It proves that we are not in control and that we are not supposed to figure everything out or even have a specific plan for that matter.  Here we thought that it was a distraction this whole time and it turns out it led us to exactly where we are supposed to be.  I will refer to this as a humbling time in life.  Last year, I played volleyball intensely and learned how to jump on a court with people I had never met.  I learned that I could turn to this comfort sport and pick up where I had left off at any time.  However, when about a year and a half of playing intensely in the sand went by, my heart was fulfilled and I learned the lessons that I needed to learn; it was time to move on.  The first part of the experience was the humbling time that I needed in order to get to where I am today.  It brought me to a new level of myself, of awareness, and to a life full of new friendships.  I took this new version of myself and listened to my heart to guide me to the next step.  When I saw the next step, I was surprised that volleyball was not a part of it – not forever, but for a little while.  It was so hard to accept.  I was afraid that I was not being true to myself when I chose not to play on the usual nights that I would have played.  I was afraid that I was giving up a good thing.  Instead, I found a foundation that volleyball had set up for my life.

If I had continued to play volleyball so intensely beyond the time of moving on, it would have become an attachment and I would have turned it into a distraction that prohibited growth in other areas of my life.

I guess you could relate the volleyball story to leaving a phase at the peak of its phase.  When we do this, it’s as if we have a launchpad for the next phase, versus climbing out of the hole that we dug for ourselves and back onto level ground.  This new launchpad allowed me to have the confidence to believe in myself as a writer.  It also kick started my desire to run marathons and contemplate my future as a teacher.  Without volleyball, I would not have been able to think rationally about the next endeavors and dreams that were brewing from within.  It was a necessary path, but if I were to continue it now when I know my heart is not fully calling me toward it, it would then be considered a distraction.  We could sit here and hash out all the phases of our lives and how they have helped or not helped us, but we should not dwell on them.  We need to accept what their role was and move on.  We move on by identifying the lessons that these phases taught us and then take the next step in the direction where our heart is calling us.  If we dwell on the results of the phases, whether good or bad, then that in itself becomes a distraction as well.

Dwelling is dangerous and we see this very often in ourselves and in others.  The most common mistake of dwelling occurs when people fall in love in an attached way to the point where neither can see their own path anymore.  Does toxic relationship ring a bell?  We can feel that the person is not right for us and we choose to be with them even though we see that our life is changing in a negative way all around us.  We choose not to care about the repercussions and dwell in the distraction, or in this case, the unfit relationship.  This is where some sort of faith or inner understanding is necessary.  It is necessary to have an inner understanding or a knowing that gives us an intuitive push in the opposite direction.

For me, my knowing comes through prayer or wisdom from the Holy Spirit.

When I pray, my mind becomes centered with my heart again so that I can look down on my life in an unattached way and follow my heart again in a way that is true to its callings.  Once I am centered again, I can bulldoze through the transitions of life almost without knowing it.  When we feel ourselves over analyzing the bulldozing, we must also stop ourselves and call upon that inner understanding.  This time, a little prayer and meditation helps me separate my mind from my heart so that I can see that my mind has taken over the decision-making and that I need to get back to my heart making the decisions.  “But then it’s your life, mmm it’s your life, you’ve only got one!” as so whimsically expressed by Frou Frou.  She plants in our hearts the flutter of how easy it is to move on from distractions and fly through transitions without even knowing that they happened.

When I listen to this song, I am reminded of how simple life is and how easy it is to feel my heart beat louder than the thoughts in my head.

Once we are in this next phase, past the distractions and fully invested in fulfilling a part of us that serves purpose, we notice a change in energy.  For me, it usually feels like supreme confidence or as if I have an infinite amount of energy.  I am always described as hyper or happy…this is because I DON’T DWELL on transitions and prefer to live in the moment of that phase post transitions.  Once I am in this next phase, I bask in it and get things done.  It feels as if you are climbing a fun mountain full of new experiences and accomplishments are being made left and right.  Then, when you hit the top of the mountain (or what we think is the top), a new transition hits (distractions begin) and there you are again.  Some would like to describe this point in life as a chance to chill and head down the mountain, but I disagree.  I look at life as one mountain, in which we are always going up and when we get too distracted, we are really just wasting our time walking AROUND the mountain (hitting up every party on the block, dating every guy in the bar, playing volleyball when we should be writing.)  Though this part of life is necessary and fun, it also prevents us from continuing up the mountain… consistently.

There are times when we think that going around the mountain in circles is worth it!  Why not?!  The sun is out, the parties are endless, every weekend is full of attention and compliments, you’re at the top of your game in playing pool, your passing in volleyball has never been so accurate, winning makes you feel like a champion…but as great as going around the mountain is, it’s not the same as going UP the mountain consistently.  So how do we accept that going around the mountain is not the same as going UP the mountain?  You can fight it and argue that there needs to be some “balance”.

Balance would indicate that there is a way to implement distractions on the way up the mountain, but that would mean that you are now slowly going up the mountain; thus reaching your spiritual potential at a slower pace.

Now, life is not a race and we all need to go at our own pace, but what is our purpose in life?  Is our purpose to become the “best version of ourselves”?  Is our purpose to be “the best that we can be”?  Is our goal to look inward at our souls and accept what it is asking of us?  If so, then acceptance that going around the mountain, and going UP the mountain are two different paths, is key.  It will seem daunting at first that they are two different parts of you as well, but this is vital in identifying how you want to push yourself on the spiritual path.  This will help you read into your own heart and ultimately connect with others in a special and genuine way on a regular basis.  People can sense in others when they are focused on their spiritual path.  When you are focused on going UP the mountain consistently, it sends off energy and vibes of complete independence, confidence, and strength.

Others admire people who are traveling UP the mountain without even noticing it and they crave to be the same way.

I was just in a transitional period where I thought it was the next phase.  I was tricked.  I’ve been having the best weekends with friends and amazing moments with my students that are blessings in the least.  I would like to admit, that I am still in this transitional phase, but can see the next part of the mountain ahead of me that looks like stairs leading upward.  There is a sign that says, “You’ve done a good amount of time going around the mountain and you’ve been reaping the benefits of your hard work, now it is time to launch upward.”  I keep getting these supremely blossoming feelings that are leading me towards the most confidence I have ever had in life.  But, this time the confidence is not aiming toward accomplishments for the resume of life.    This type of confidence is an understanding and comfortableness about life, in which, I have faith in completely following my heart in everything I do and say.  This transitional period that I have been enjoying also pointed out to me that I actually have completed everything on the resume.  Everything that I had set out to do for the resume checklist of life is done.  I wanted my parents to see me get married.  Check.  I wanted to become a successful teacher.  Check.  I wanted to help people in a genuine way.  Check.  I wanted to become a writer of some sort.  Check.  I wanted to explore new territories that speak to my heart.  Check.  I wanted to dress and act the way I feel inside.  Check.  I wanted to share my story with the world.  Check.  Now, I see that this next phase of my life is not about the resume anymore.

It’s about making the choice to look at life WITHOUT the resume mindset – to follow my heart with utter faith.

I am now going to climb the mountain with the spirit of everything in my past, with the tools I have collected over the years, with the love from all my friends and family, with the guidance and love of all my past relatives, and with the wisdom that God has been pouring into me through prayer and meditation.  It is time to go up the mountain consistently with my heart completely forward.  Sometimes I still get afraid and worry that it seems like there is no plan, or that there are no goals, or that I just want to stay circling around the mountain a few more times.  But, that’s just it!  My heart is the one almost shining ahead in front of my trailblazing body and it won’t let me circle around the mountain anymore.  It is moving on whether I like it or not.

My body is simply at the point of obedience and it feels like all the distractions, all the baggage, all the meaningless thoughts and insecurities, and the fears and doubts have been left behind.

The last straw for me was a moment that I had in Mystic Journey the other day.  You could say that Mother Teresa basically put me in check.   If you want to become face to face with what your heart is really telling you, then read Mother Teresa’s No Greater Love.  Her stories, her faith, her calm delivery, will wipe your superficial slate clean and allow you to look down on yourself with the most impartial of eyes.  I was on a typical bike route from Santa Monica to Venice.  I had a deep yearning for some quiet time at my favorite grounding place, other than Saint Monica’s Church.  That day at the bookstore, I headed straight for the section on Angels and Spiritual Growth.  I have a very particular way of entering and centering myself before I walk through the store.  I do not plan this routine, this is simply what happens when you step off of Abbot Kinney’s cracked sidewalk into this immediate place of peace.  You are always greeted with meditation music and the right amount of incense that you can feel warming your nostrils and nasal cavities.  Just when you start to get used to the meditative melodies, someone happens to be playing with the metal singing bowl in the window.  The metal literally rings and sings in through the ear closest to the bowl and travels out your other ear.  You are now ready to feel the vibrations of your heart all the way through your fingertips.  I then take in this energy, which I believe to be God’s love.  I always feel so comfortable and safe in this place that it is easy to let this love shine through me throughout the store.  I am now ready to peruse around.

I move slowly from section to section and wait for my faith to give me a heads up.  Literally, like radar, I end up stopping and am stuck in front of a row of books that speak to me.  Like an annoying pain in my shoulder blade, my heart starts beating rapidly and it doesn’t stop until I have touched and flipped through the right pages and title that calms my heart.  Every time, the book that I flip through has been meant for me to read at that moment.  However, this time, my heart took me to the Christianity section, which I have never cared to glance at.  I had always put up a mental wall to this part of the store for fear that the New Age marketing system would send the wrong messages about what I believe in, in terms of Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and God.  Deep down, I knew that if the store played my faith down, I would never return and then I would have to face the fact that this sacred place had in fact, the whole time, not been sacred in the least.  Conflicting with fear and spiritual warfare within me, I felt a loving guidance reassure me that the Holy Spirit led me to this store back in the day and that it will forever be a place where my true faith began.  Sure enough, I allowed my fingers and my heart to guide me through the titles just like I always had relied on.  Before the magic even worked the way it normally did, God gave me the best slap in the face of all time.  He said, “No No, you don’t even need that method for this section.  Simply look at the middle of this whole bookcase.”  And there she was.  Mother Teresa was looking right at me as she was walking away in the picture of the book cover, traveling through the dirt of Calcutta.  My only reaction was to touch the cover of the book and feel the letters of the golden embossed title as if it were real gold or as if I were reading Braille.  In that moment, God had outdone Mystic Journey; He had proven His presence within the bookstore in a grand way that could only be done by God.

I had officially found Jesus in my sacred place and it beat every magical moment that I had encountered in the store thus far.

No Greater Love was on display in the heart of the bookcase.  Taking the first copy, I headed to the backroom where I usually retreat to read in peace and quiet.  A trickling water fountain awaits you in this casually put together sun room.  I was still in shock as to how called I was to this book, that I didn’t even realize I was already comfortably reading in Mystic’s white-pillowed couches.  It was like driving to your parents’ house (where you grew up) and forgetting that you even took the freeway all the way there.  Boom!  There I was, half a chapter in and I couldn’t stop.  What’s even better is everything seemed to die around me – including my phone.  Thank God!  Through the death of my surroundings, I forgot who I was, where I was, or that I was even a part of the world anymore.  I wish I could say that this is what it feels like to read a good book, but it was NOT like this at all.  We’ve all had books that take us away and take us to reveries or that distract us from the world.  This was NOT one of those experiences.  This was something more.

A deep question in my heart was being answered and God had very intricately planned this day for me.

That night I returned after bike riding from Abbott Kinney and was completely moved by my connection to Mother Teresa.  For me, her words were so familiar and seemed to be speaking to me with a voice that I could hear.  I could sense the serenity in her being and the compassion in her care for approaching themes so delicately. She has a way of humbling you without making you feel bad about yourself.  At one point, I was so humbled that I was at peace with being nothing in this world.  She connects you with God’s love to where you cannot deny any coincidence in your life.  Her words make you go backwards in time and find all the special moments and realize that God was the lesson planner behind each of those moments.  I would like to say that all would have this reaction when they read this book.  But the truth is, all will not.

I locked my bike up and unlocked my door to my heavenly studio.  As I closed it behind me, I immediately choked back on a cry that came straight from my heart.  My chest released a gasping cry that relieved every single tingle of doubt and fear in my body.  I was at peace knowing that I was lucky enough to read the book and that I was in this place in life where each word of hers hit my heart and screamed that I could connect to every ounce of what she expressed.  As I saw myself at peace with her view of Jesus and seeing Jesus in each person she comforted, I finally felt at ease.  A huge weight was lifted.  My whole life I had fought the love so hard.  There was a time in my life where I had completely shut off the loving person that I knew God made me to be.  I did it on purpose.  I went down a different road to see if it was easier to just ignore who I was deep down.  I remember those moments when I had submitted myself to the pressures of the world and I was so disappointed in it all – not in myself, but in the fact that I gave into the world because I hated the attention for the beautiful person God asked me to be.  I came back to who I was after failing at the alternative road that I had made for myself and have been living the exact life God has meant for me for the past five years.  With things going so well and literally thinking that I might be in heaven or something, this book reminded me that even after fixing my mistakes, living the ultimate life with so many blessings and success, my heart still only belongs to God…and that feeling in itself, beats any accomplishment I’ve ever made in life.

Mother Teresa reminded me that this next phase of my life is dedicating this amazing life that I so bravely built for myself, to God.  She reminded me that it is now time to utilize the person that God has built me to be, as a loving soldier, to do His will in everything that I am and everything that I do.  More importantly, this next part of life is not meant to be distant from who I have become, but instead it is to be integrated in this spirit of mine.  Integrated into even the simplest of moments and in the most shocking of moments.  I must now let my heart lead the way, now that it is talking to me so clearly and so vehemently.  What feels like anxiety, is really the overly excited feeling to move on and supremely be who God has asked me to be with everyone and everything.  What this looks like at the moment?  It looks like I am having genuine conversations with anyone – no matter their relation to me.  Every person is a spirit to be loved and to be cared for.

In order to do this wholeheartedly, I had to rid my life of my distractions and humble myself in a way that pushes all pride, competition, and control aside.

As a way of humbling myself and finding Jesus in every situation, I have chosen to make real homeless friends as a way to track where my love for each person truly lies.  I am completely at peace sitting with them and swapping stories.  More importantly, it is beyond genuine because when I am with them, I have never felt more in touch with who God wants me to be.  I take these conversations and file them away in my heart, then channel what I learn from them into situations that used to make me angry at the superficial world that we all live in.  So when a friend of mine makes a comment that I normally would get heated about, I apply the compassionate spirit that I am in the classroom and the loving spirit that I am with the homeless, and the result is incredibly peaceful as well as rewarding.  It does not come from an arrogant place, because the homeless and the classroom have taught me to handle the everyday person with love and humility.  It is not the homeless or the kids that we need to fix, shape, or mold – it’s us that we need to fix, shape, or mold.  Frou Frou challenges us to be open to one another and to put aside the superficial distractions of wants and needs.  Her song puts all the distractions at ease and erases them from your heart as she asks you “Are you down to be open?  Show me yours and I’ll show you mine…”  Not everyone can handle it yet, the love that you have to offer, but have faith and have patience.  Keep climbing UP the mountain.  You are not leaving anyone behind.  Instead, you are inspiring everyone to leave their baggage behind and climb with you.

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“Only Got One”

by:  Frou Frou

If this is a question
Is maybe a lie?
If yes doesn’t mean it
Does when lessen why
You are held in a queue
Someone will be with you shortly
Say I’m wrong
You decide
I don’t believe the words you sing sometimes

But then it’s your life
Uh huh, it’s your life
It’s your life
Uh huh, it’s your life

But, you’ve only got one…

If I just to spite you
Placate your disgrace
Will song turn to silence?
Will mask wear your face?
Are you down to be open?
Show me yours and I’ll show you mine
Or are you down just to be down?
I don’t believe the words you sing sometimes

But then it’s your life
Uh huh, it’s your life
It’s your life
Uh huh, it’s your life

But, you only got one

You’ve only got…one…