Best Friend by Foster the People

“Sometimes I feel like I only dream in black and white…”  Foster the People prepares us to put aside our stubborn glances and look deep within our souls to recognize the truest form of a Best Friend.  Am I one?  Have I ever been one? Have I truly met one?  Is there even such a thing?  Where does the term come from?

For me, a Best Friend feels like coming home.  When I go home, the streets are familiar.  I suddenly remember where all the cops hide and the same people seem to have been walking their dog for the past 20 years and not aged one bit.  The pool water still glistens the exact way it did when I was nine, and the trees sway with each breath of the wind as if its branches were never once trimmed.

Home.  Best Friend.  Love.  Comfort.  Empathy.  Tears.  Pain.

I ache to be where God is at all times the way you ache to be with your Best Friend.  It was quite a restless journey for someone like me, who ran around the cul-de-sac barefoot for fear that even my feet would miss out on the touch of the Holy Spirit lingering around on a summer night.  When I run, I have to feel the leaves or leap up and tap the branches as I fly by.  When I skateboard, my hands cascade against the ferns as if for just a moment I am surfing pipe like a pro, bending down and letting the curl encapsulate my soul.  I NEVER say no to the ocean.  When I choose my spot on the sand, I sit right where the dune descends.  This way, I can run down and dip my toes in just before rushing back up to my life.  If I’m overdosing on Vitamin D and feel the heat taking over, I am close enough to jump in and float for days or mermaid-dive deep down under.

For five years, I allowed the ocean to consume me.  Every Saturday & Sunday – ocean.  Every night before going to sleep – ocean.  Every ten mile run – ocean.  Everyday after teaching – ocean.  But now, the ocean is within me.  Just like the ocean, the leaves I just needed to grasp while going for a run, are now a part of my fingertips and the pool’s glistening consistency is now the watering in my eyes.  The California Love is officially in my soul.  This is where I found God the most – here, at home.  Surrounded by the unconditional love of family, cousins beyond cousins, childhood friends, college friends, and present friends I was able to build a pretty solid foundation.

What I came to know and love here was, most simply… God.

He was here all along.  Holding my hand along the journey, loving me completely through every fall, every climb, every coasting moment and cruising daydream.  I once thought I faltered, like many of us do.  But it turns out, the falter, was thinking that I had faltered.  I am exactly where I always would have been, is something that took me a long time to accept and embrace.  Many of us never get to feel this or believe it, but I am here to reassure us all that if we color ourselves with the pain and confront every questionable moment, our pride is right there in the muck of it waiting for God’s love to sweep it away completely.  Even pride hates itself or at least analyzes itself to death.  If pride itself is frustrated and restless, then think of how deep it resonates in us like a parasite trying to make a home somewhere.  Pride is so completely lost and wanting love that it causes an insurmountable amount of pain that just builds layer upon layer.  And you thought it was a sore muscle…

The ocean washed my pride and vanity away.  My friends and family hugged it until it squeezed out of me.  My students dissolved it with every smile and belief in my words.  And then…every time I reached out to skim the leaves with my fingertips or hold on to the branch as I swung from tree limb to tree limb, I felt the weight of pride completely released from my body, while the wind took care of the rest.

All these cleanses of today, hmm… when the truest most intimate and necessary cleanse comes from our very own hearts – but we must accept that believing in ourselves is the rawest form of love, like the love of a Best Friend, who chooses to love you and share a mutual teaching/learning relationship.  We meet friends all the time and we connect based on some form of compatibility in likes and dislikes.  There are Best Friends within our families, within nature, within pets, in books we read, and with those we haven’t met yet.

So, then what’s the purpose of the term Best Friend if it exists in so many different facets and places and might not always be in human form?

After creating a ridiculously solid foundation in my home state for 28 years, I can honestly say that God has led me from one Best Friend to the next.  Like the smell of Mom’s home cooking, I followed my nose to each person, open to what they could teach me and share with me.  Despite the luring sensation of a Best Friend, they tend to hurt our feelings and push us away sometimes, but the consistency of the initial feeling is like the pull of a Guardian Angel saying, “Choose this one,” when you’re in the produce aisle.  Learning this cool little trick at an early age, I have been able to pull all the best tools from the local Best Friend Well.  Just like The Well in the old days of the parables, the pool table is a well.  School is a well.  Work is a well.  Church is a well.  Running is a well.  We all meet at the well to trade in spears and bows and arrows like Start-Select Menu in Zelda.  We feel out who will have the tools that we desire and somehow, an exchange is made.  We choose someone to befriend and they choose us as well… like magic.

The love, help, and guidance of the Best Friend directly correlates with the sensation of feeling God’s presence in nature and in the world around us.  Those moments of “I’m meant to go in here” or “No, wear this instead” – all God.  We know this because when that little voice is gone for too long, we feel SO far away from home.  We feel off balance, ungrounded, (whatever you wish to call it these days) and begin to search for that comforting voice again.  Sometimes we have to get rid of a few things before we can hear the voice again or feel the loving call clearly.  But, once we’re ready, our Best Friend is right there waiting with a message like Online Banking Notifications, “Alert!  You have one new message in your Statement Inbox.”  For fear I have over-drafted or forgot to make a payment, there I am apologizing for my distance and all I feel every time is a sense of, “I’m glad you’re back…now let’s get back to it.”  And there I am, listening intently to His words and looking to Him for direction.

I ache for these moments.  I ache for these messages.

I have to go for a very long run sometimes to get it all back or to clear out the pride that stands in the way.  Now, for the most part it comes naturally to just turn back to the voice, as long as I remember that it is just like going home to my Best Friend.  What is interesting is that since I can remember, I’ve only wanted to be where I can hear and feel this Best Friend the clearest.  Most of the time, it has to do with location.  I can be in a store and know that I need to leave.  When the moment is over, the moment is over – I am simply not called to be there anymore.  Sometimes it’s not about location and it’s more about who is around me, which used to get me into trouble.  I used to end conversations too abruptly or not attend functions without letting the host know.  The feeling was always accurate, despite my inability to smooth the transition:  if I couldn’t feel the “home” vibe in the person, then it was time for me to switch gears.  It is heartbreaking when you don’t want to let go, and maybe we feel attached in some way.  But, this life is beyond attachments.  Again, like Mom’s cooking, I just follow the smell and trust that her stew and cornbread is around the corner.  How did I know it was always God?  Just like trial and error, it takes practice.  I started to trust the voice and realized that every time I listened, everything fell into place or I had wonderful “lucky coincidences”.  Then, after 10 times out of 10 of always having the same positive results, whether it led me to a person I needed to meet or land a specific job, I was able to get rid of the word “luck” and believe in the voice calling me from place to place and person to person.

Even the trusting process feels like home.

I used to worry and fret or analyze until I gave myself a headache – I would fight it or wonder too much.  Now, when He tells me, “Take a break and watch the sunset”, I stop writing and run down to the pool to watch the sun set.  Kind of like when Dad is sick of Mom telling him to move the car for the street cleaner – after 38 years, you just start obeying.  Hopefully, we all learn a bit faster.  Maybe, we are all simply very afraid to trust anything or anyone.  But!  If we are brave enough to trust Smart Phones next to our ears while they charge at night, then I think we can all put a little trust in the one thing we all hear and resist for so many prideful and fearful reasons.  The most anxious conversations revolve around not being able to “listen to ourselves” or “I should have left when I felt it” or “I knew Grad School wasn’t necessary!”  I sit and listen to the most regretful conversations that clearly all have the same thing in common: to just listen to and trust the initial voice.  It’s almost SO common, that everyone misses it!  It’s like the common denominator and we all have giant numerators that need a bit of simplifying.  If God’s comforting voice is the common denominator, then why not listen and divide together?

The purpose of common denominators is to simplify a fraction, reduce extra work, and output data much faster.  Who knew this common denominator was on our side?  It gets better!  Now the data that was simplified is more comprehensible and visible to us, then let’s say 150 out of 1,500.  Why not just use the common denominator (which is GIVEN to us, by the way) and make it (give me a second): 1 out of 10.  Is it the work from 150 to 1 or the pain of dividing 1500 by 50?  Or is it that we seriously can’t figure out that 50 is the common denominator (again, given to us)?!  I don’t know about you, but 1 out of 10 is already easier to see in my mind.  I’m already picturing one slice of pizza out of ten with only cheese, while the other nine have pepperonis.  There’s even a short-cut to this madness if you’re interested! (Just cross out the 50’s and Wha-La!)

The common denominator seems to be causing that aching feeling that we all get – but it only aches because we resist it all the time!

The annoying restless nights where we are skeptical of the dream or avoid saying yes to the job or can’t seem to change the dream plan and get a new job – ACHE.  The work behind the confusing fraction is so miniscule and yet the reward is SO great!  I’m not going to lie, divorce was not fun, but the result topped every ounce of pain that was caused and the healing was ten times better than I ever subconsciously prayed for.  Which is why I write about my journey and path of faith – I have no choice, but to share.  Even if one word or phrase resonates within the tiniest part of a soul out there, then I’m doing what I am called to do.  I hated writing and hated running and today I apparently do both…hmm.  I could analyze it to bits, but something tells me that if I can feel that Best Friend not just lingering but completely present with every move I make, and He’s making magic happen in my life better than before, left and right, then I truly am exactly where I would be as if nothing had ever happened.

The aching is our resistance to the feeling of just “going home” and being with the one we love most, above everything else here.

There is a reason people can overcome horrible tragedies and have faith in their futures.  There is a reason we can move forward and rise above petty shambles.  Going home to the Best Friend, within, ultimately creates a soul that is beyond this world and completely unattached – ready to fulfill one’s purpose and do what is asked in this life without doubt.  Being unattached feels like you are free FOREVER.  All we must do is simply stop fighting the ache of resistance.

“Be not afraid…” They don’t say it enough and it’s been haunting me since Third Grade Daily Mass.  Not only is the aching gone when you choose to trust the voice, but when I feel the fear and pride coming on again, I know it’s because I am too far adrift.  Like when you jump off a boat in the middle of the ocean and feel the boat inching (yard-ing) away from you (true story).  The aching is now the barometer for finding my way back to the boat, where my Best Friend lives within me.  I swim back like crazy when I realize I will definitely get eaten by a shark or get tired of swimming, without the help of my Best Friend.  I swim back, get reconnected, climb the ladder to the top of the boat and then launch off the boat AGAIN!  This time, I can feel my Best Friend close to my heart and guiding me through the depth of the sea.  “Tell me where to go,” I say and He says, “Wherever you feel me Diane, wherever I am, is where you need to be.”

——————————————————————————————————————————————-

“Best Friend”

by: Foster the People

(When your best friend’s all strung out)
You’ll do everything you can
‘Cause you’re never gonna let it get ’em down
(When you find it all around)
Yeah, it comes in waves, but it’s hardest from the start

Feeling, sleeping, in the field again,
Oh, I can feel, I can feel, I can feel, it’s beginning to end
Yeah, premonition smiling in the dark
Oh, I can see, I can see, I can see the story’s starting to arc

Ohhh ohhhh ohhhh ohhhhh

It dries up
I’ve been a spoken word
I’ve been a river bed
I’ve been a rabid force
And let it flow up from within
Sometimes it feels like I only dream in black and white
Ahhh, ahhhh, ahhhhhh, ahhhhh
And colors so…

(When your best friend’s all strung out)
You’ll do everything you can
‘Cause you’re never gonna let it get ’em down
(When you find it all around)
Yeah, you say it’s what you need
And hide your eyes when you’re close to me
(When you feel up in the clouds)
Well, it comes in waves, but it’s hardest from the start

Waves in theta, slipping into dreams
Oh, I can feel, I can feel, I can feel the celestial beings
Wilted pleasures leave you with a breath
I can see, I can see, I can see the beauty in the mess

Ohhh, ohhhh, ohhhh, ohhh

It dries up
I’ve been a river bed
I tried to salt the wound
I’ve carried more than I can
I feel I’ve got a lot to prove
Sometimes I feel like I only dream in black and white
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhhh, ohhh
But colors so….

(When your best friend’s all strung out)
You’ll do everything you can
‘Cause you’re never gonna let it get ’em down
(When you find it all around)
Yeah, you say it’s what you need
You hide your eyes when you’re close to me
(When you feel up in the clouds)
You ought to know
That I’m here no matter where you want to go
(In your head hanging upside-down)
Well, it comes in waves, but it’s hardest from the start

I’m here, no matter where you are
So let it in with, open arms, no matter where you are
Sometimes, you’ll have to wait,
And it passes by like a satellite or star
No matter where you are

(When your best friend’s all strung out)
You know when
Ooh-hoooo-hooooo
(When you feel up in the clouds)
Oh, yeah, you know when
Ooh-hoooo-Ooh hooooo

(When your best friend’s all strung out)
Oh, yeah, you know when
You ought to know
That I’m here no matter where you want to go
(In your head, hanging upside-down)
Yeah, you know when
That’s how you know
When your best friend’s all strung out

Only Got One by Frou Frou

When we are present and being true to our hearts and who we really are, we can sense what everyone around us is feeling.  The stranger in front of me on the sidewalk is waiting for me to take off my headphones to ask for directions.  The chess players at Coffee Bean are annoyed that there are people drinking coffee and reading so serenely next to their intense click of a game.  The woman reading on the edge of her chair at the end of the table is hoping someone will give her an excuse to leave or move.  The girl walking by looks back at you to make eye contact to feel important, special, or just to be noticed.  We are normally distracted by a million other thoughts that our hearts do not connect with other hearts.  We fail to read into these things because we tell ourselves that it’s not important, or useless, or overly analytical.  But why would it be unimportant to read into someone?  When we read into someone, we read his or her heart and thus, we read into our own heart.  I could tell you a bunch of ways to connect with others, but it’s not about how to connect – it’s about how to cleanse ourselves of all the distractions that keep us from taking the initiative to connect.  We think this is an easy task, but distractions are directly related to avoiding the truth about our purpose in life.

Distractions point out that our purpose is on hold for selfish and superficial reasons.

Distractions are a choice and when we pinpoint each one and give them a label of some sort, we can then see how foolish we really are.  Raise your hand if you want to feel foolish?!  HAHA!  Nope, didn’t think that was a popular question.  So to make it easier, I will confess some of the distractions in my life that I use in order to avoid connecting with people on a genuine level or to avoid following my heart in a direction that I am being called toward.

We tend to think that distractions are always negative or related to addictions, however most distractions are the everyday thoughts and insecurities that fill up our schedules.  Like spam, these pestering distractions, build up until we are running on Auto-Pilot Distraction Mode.  We begin to miss opportunities to connect with people who needed us in a moment or we fail to use our words with care because of our own selfish distracting thoughts and feelings.  These missed opportunities happen within a few seconds.  It happens when we hesitate to hold eye contact with the waiter that has so kindly gone out of his way to box your food and bring you a water cup.  We see that the moment was there to be transformed or to transform the other person, and we chose NOT to take the opportunity for some reason.  Those reasons or hesitations are caused by the build up of distracting thoughts and feelings from a day’s worth of occurrences.

My more obvious distractions look like a list of activities that I love to do.  I turn to these activities when I am putting off major transitions in life.  At the moment, I have a few projects that my heart is calling me to complete.  I am writing a book, feeling out my next career move, training for a marathon, and spending time with the homeless.  However, playing beach volleyball prevents me from making time for all of these callings.  I love playing volleyball and have made many friends through this beautiful sport, but right now I feel compelled to let it go for a little while so that I can make time to put my whole heart in the direction that I am being called.  Even the social scene needs to be minimized during this time and instead I need to choose to simply meditate on my next career move.  We can all relate and we can feel ourselves ache when we are on the court because we feel deep down that we need to be somewhere else.  Right now in my life, I completely ache to say YES to these four callings:  writing, career, marathon, and homeless community. It helps to keep the callings brief in my heart because each keyword emits an “at peace” feeling.  When I say the word to myself, it gives me the peace and strength to know that I must continue to follow my heart in these directions – no matter the situation.  I may want to shoot pool with my favorite people, but my heart is aching to write.  I may want to be on time to volunteer, but the homeless person next to me at the crosswalk needs a handshake and a quick conversation.

My heart literally flutters in these discerning moments and when I envision myself saying “no” to the wants and “yes” to what the heart desires, I am completely at peace to the point where joy radiates from within.

For those who do know me or have had one conversation with me, they wonder why I am always so full of life and excited to just be present.  It comes from following my heart completely and being in that moment with others.

Yet, sometimes we think certain activities or feelings are a distraction, but really we are afraid to admit that they are a necessary step in the right direction.  We doubt the power of the phase we are in because of what others may think or because of how society depicts the particular activity or feeling.  These moments are when we learn about the mystery of life.  It proves that we are not in control and that we are not supposed to figure everything out or even have a specific plan for that matter.  Here we thought that it was a distraction this whole time and it turns out it led us to exactly where we are supposed to be.  I will refer to this as a humbling time in life.  Last year, I played volleyball intensely and learned how to jump on a court with people I had never met.  I learned that I could turn to this comfort sport and pick up where I had left off at any time.  However, when about a year and a half of playing intensely in the sand went by, my heart was fulfilled and I learned the lessons that I needed to learn; it was time to move on.  The first part of the experience was the humbling time that I needed in order to get to where I am today.  It brought me to a new level of myself, of awareness, and to a life full of new friendships.  I took this new version of myself and listened to my heart to guide me to the next step.  When I saw the next step, I was surprised that volleyball was not a part of it – not forever, but for a little while.  It was so hard to accept.  I was afraid that I was not being true to myself when I chose not to play on the usual nights that I would have played.  I was afraid that I was giving up a good thing.  Instead, I found a foundation that volleyball had set up for my life.

If I had continued to play volleyball so intensely beyond the time of moving on, it would have become an attachment and I would have turned it into a distraction that prohibited growth in other areas of my life.

I guess you could relate the volleyball story to leaving a phase at the peak of its phase.  When we do this, it’s as if we have a launchpad for the next phase, versus climbing out of the hole that we dug for ourselves and back onto level ground.  This new launchpad allowed me to have the confidence to believe in myself as a writer.  It also kick started my desire to run marathons and contemplate my future as a teacher.  Without volleyball, I would not have been able to think rationally about the next endeavors and dreams that were brewing from within.  It was a necessary path, but if I were to continue it now when I know my heart is not fully calling me toward it, it would then be considered a distraction.  We could sit here and hash out all the phases of our lives and how they have helped or not helped us, but we should not dwell on them.  We need to accept what their role was and move on.  We move on by identifying the lessons that these phases taught us and then take the next step in the direction where our heart is calling us.  If we dwell on the results of the phases, whether good or bad, then that in itself becomes a distraction as well.

Dwelling is dangerous and we see this very often in ourselves and in others.  The most common mistake of dwelling occurs when people fall in love in an attached way to the point where neither can see their own path anymore.  Does toxic relationship ring a bell?  We can feel that the person is not right for us and we choose to be with them even though we see that our life is changing in a negative way all around us.  We choose not to care about the repercussions and dwell in the distraction, or in this case, the unfit relationship.  This is where some sort of faith or inner understanding is necessary.  It is necessary to have an inner understanding or a knowing that gives us an intuitive push in the opposite direction.

For me, my knowing comes through prayer or wisdom from the Holy Spirit.

When I pray, my mind becomes centered with my heart again so that I can look down on my life in an unattached way and follow my heart again in a way that is true to its callings.  Once I am centered again, I can bulldoze through the transitions of life almost without knowing it.  When we feel ourselves over analyzing the bulldozing, we must also stop ourselves and call upon that inner understanding.  This time, a little prayer and meditation helps me separate my mind from my heart so that I can see that my mind has taken over the decision-making and that I need to get back to my heart making the decisions.  “But then it’s your life, mmm it’s your life, you’ve only got one!” as so whimsically expressed by Frou Frou.  She plants in our hearts the flutter of how easy it is to move on from distractions and fly through transitions without even knowing that they happened.

When I listen to this song, I am reminded of how simple life is and how easy it is to feel my heart beat louder than the thoughts in my head.

Once we are in this next phase, past the distractions and fully invested in fulfilling a part of us that serves purpose, we notice a change in energy.  For me, it usually feels like supreme confidence or as if I have an infinite amount of energy.  I am always described as hyper or happy…this is because I DON’T DWELL on transitions and prefer to live in the moment of that phase post transitions.  Once I am in this next phase, I bask in it and get things done.  It feels as if you are climbing a fun mountain full of new experiences and accomplishments are being made left and right.  Then, when you hit the top of the mountain (or what we think is the top), a new transition hits (distractions begin) and there you are again.  Some would like to describe this point in life as a chance to chill and head down the mountain, but I disagree.  I look at life as one mountain, in which we are always going up and when we get too distracted, we are really just wasting our time walking AROUND the mountain (hitting up every party on the block, dating every guy in the bar, playing volleyball when we should be writing.)  Though this part of life is necessary and fun, it also prevents us from continuing up the mountain… consistently.

There are times when we think that going around the mountain in circles is worth it!  Why not?!  The sun is out, the parties are endless, every weekend is full of attention and compliments, you’re at the top of your game in playing pool, your passing in volleyball has never been so accurate, winning makes you feel like a champion…but as great as going around the mountain is, it’s not the same as going UP the mountain consistently.  So how do we accept that going around the mountain is not the same as going UP the mountain?  You can fight it and argue that there needs to be some “balance”.

Balance would indicate that there is a way to implement distractions on the way up the mountain, but that would mean that you are now slowly going up the mountain; thus reaching your spiritual potential at a slower pace.

Now, life is not a race and we all need to go at our own pace, but what is our purpose in life?  Is our purpose to become the “best version of ourselves”?  Is our purpose to be “the best that we can be”?  Is our goal to look inward at our souls and accept what it is asking of us?  If so, then acceptance that going around the mountain, and going UP the mountain are two different paths, is key.  It will seem daunting at first that they are two different parts of you as well, but this is vital in identifying how you want to push yourself on the spiritual path.  This will help you read into your own heart and ultimately connect with others in a special and genuine way on a regular basis.  People can sense in others when they are focused on their spiritual path.  When you are focused on going UP the mountain consistently, it sends off energy and vibes of complete independence, confidence, and strength.

Others admire people who are traveling UP the mountain without even noticing it and they crave to be the same way.

I was just in a transitional period where I thought it was the next phase.  I was tricked.  I’ve been having the best weekends with friends and amazing moments with my students that are blessings in the least.  I would like to admit, that I am still in this transitional phase, but can see the next part of the mountain ahead of me that looks like stairs leading upward.  There is a sign that says, “You’ve done a good amount of time going around the mountain and you’ve been reaping the benefits of your hard work, now it is time to launch upward.”  I keep getting these supremely blossoming feelings that are leading me towards the most confidence I have ever had in life.  But, this time the confidence is not aiming toward accomplishments for the resume of life.    This type of confidence is an understanding and comfortableness about life, in which, I have faith in completely following my heart in everything I do and say.  This transitional period that I have been enjoying also pointed out to me that I actually have completed everything on the resume.  Everything that I had set out to do for the resume checklist of life is done.  I wanted my parents to see me get married.  Check.  I wanted to become a successful teacher.  Check.  I wanted to help people in a genuine way.  Check.  I wanted to become a writer of some sort.  Check.  I wanted to explore new territories that speak to my heart.  Check.  I wanted to dress and act the way I feel inside.  Check.  I wanted to share my story with the world.  Check.  Now, I see that this next phase of my life is not about the resume anymore.

It’s about making the choice to look at life WITHOUT the resume mindset – to follow my heart with utter faith.

I am now going to climb the mountain with the spirit of everything in my past, with the tools I have collected over the years, with the love from all my friends and family, with the guidance and love of all my past relatives, and with the wisdom that God has been pouring into me through prayer and meditation.  It is time to go up the mountain consistently with my heart completely forward.  Sometimes I still get afraid and worry that it seems like there is no plan, or that there are no goals, or that I just want to stay circling around the mountain a few more times.  But, that’s just it!  My heart is the one almost shining ahead in front of my trailblazing body and it won’t let me circle around the mountain anymore.  It is moving on whether I like it or not.

My body is simply at the point of obedience and it feels like all the distractions, all the baggage, all the meaningless thoughts and insecurities, and the fears and doubts have been left behind.

The last straw for me was a moment that I had in Mystic Journey the other day.  You could say that Mother Teresa basically put me in check.   If you want to become face to face with what your heart is really telling you, then read Mother Teresa’s No Greater Love.  Her stories, her faith, her calm delivery, will wipe your superficial slate clean and allow you to look down on yourself with the most impartial of eyes.  I was on a typical bike route from Santa Monica to Venice.  I had a deep yearning for some quiet time at my favorite grounding place, other than Saint Monica’s Church.  That day at the bookstore, I headed straight for the section on Angels and Spiritual Growth.  I have a very particular way of entering and centering myself before I walk through the store.  I do not plan this routine, this is simply what happens when you step off of Abbot Kinney’s cracked sidewalk into this immediate place of peace.  You are always greeted with meditation music and the right amount of incense that you can feel warming your nostrils and nasal cavities.  Just when you start to get used to the meditative melodies, someone happens to be playing with the metal singing bowl in the window.  The metal literally rings and sings in through the ear closest to the bowl and travels out your other ear.  You are now ready to feel the vibrations of your heart all the way through your fingertips.  I then take in this energy, which I believe to be God’s love.  I always feel so comfortable and safe in this place that it is easy to let this love shine through me throughout the store.  I am now ready to peruse around.

I move slowly from section to section and wait for my faith to give me a heads up.  Literally, like radar, I end up stopping and am stuck in front of a row of books that speak to me.  Like an annoying pain in my shoulder blade, my heart starts beating rapidly and it doesn’t stop until I have touched and flipped through the right pages and title that calms my heart.  Every time, the book that I flip through has been meant for me to read at that moment.  However, this time, my heart took me to the Christianity section, which I have never cared to glance at.  I had always put up a mental wall to this part of the store for fear that the New Age marketing system would send the wrong messages about what I believe in, in terms of Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and God.  Deep down, I knew that if the store played my faith down, I would never return and then I would have to face the fact that this sacred place had in fact, the whole time, not been sacred in the least.  Conflicting with fear and spiritual warfare within me, I felt a loving guidance reassure me that the Holy Spirit led me to this store back in the day and that it will forever be a place where my true faith began.  Sure enough, I allowed my fingers and my heart to guide me through the titles just like I always had relied on.  Before the magic even worked the way it normally did, God gave me the best slap in the face of all time.  He said, “No No, you don’t even need that method for this section.  Simply look at the middle of this whole bookcase.”  And there she was.  Mother Teresa was looking right at me as she was walking away in the picture of the book cover, traveling through the dirt of Calcutta.  My only reaction was to touch the cover of the book and feel the letters of the golden embossed title as if it were real gold or as if I were reading Braille.  In that moment, God had outdone Mystic Journey; He had proven His presence within the bookstore in a grand way that could only be done by God.

I had officially found Jesus in my sacred place and it beat every magical moment that I had encountered in the store thus far.

No Greater Love was on display in the heart of the bookcase.  Taking the first copy, I headed to the backroom where I usually retreat to read in peace and quiet.  A trickling water fountain awaits you in this casually put together sun room.  I was still in shock as to how called I was to this book, that I didn’t even realize I was already comfortably reading in Mystic’s white-pillowed couches.  It was like driving to your parents’ house (where you grew up) and forgetting that you even took the freeway all the way there.  Boom!  There I was, half a chapter in and I couldn’t stop.  What’s even better is everything seemed to die around me – including my phone.  Thank God!  Through the death of my surroundings, I forgot who I was, where I was, or that I was even a part of the world anymore.  I wish I could say that this is what it feels like to read a good book, but it was NOT like this at all.  We’ve all had books that take us away and take us to reveries or that distract us from the world.  This was NOT one of those experiences.  This was something more.

A deep question in my heart was being answered and God had very intricately planned this day for me.

That night I returned after bike riding from Abbott Kinney and was completely moved by my connection to Mother Teresa.  For me, her words were so familiar and seemed to be speaking to me with a voice that I could hear.  I could sense the serenity in her being and the compassion in her care for approaching themes so delicately. She has a way of humbling you without making you feel bad about yourself.  At one point, I was so humbled that I was at peace with being nothing in this world.  She connects you with God’s love to where you cannot deny any coincidence in your life.  Her words make you go backwards in time and find all the special moments and realize that God was the lesson planner behind each of those moments.  I would like to say that all would have this reaction when they read this book.  But the truth is, all will not.

I locked my bike up and unlocked my door to my heavenly studio.  As I closed it behind me, I immediately choked back on a cry that came straight from my heart.  My chest released a gasping cry that relieved every single tingle of doubt and fear in my body.  I was at peace knowing that I was lucky enough to read the book and that I was in this place in life where each word of hers hit my heart and screamed that I could connect to every ounce of what she expressed.  As I saw myself at peace with her view of Jesus and seeing Jesus in each person she comforted, I finally felt at ease.  A huge weight was lifted.  My whole life I had fought the love so hard.  There was a time in my life where I had completely shut off the loving person that I knew God made me to be.  I did it on purpose.  I went down a different road to see if it was easier to just ignore who I was deep down.  I remember those moments when I had submitted myself to the pressures of the world and I was so disappointed in it all – not in myself, but in the fact that I gave into the world because I hated the attention for the beautiful person God asked me to be.  I came back to who I was after failing at the alternative road that I had made for myself and have been living the exact life God has meant for me for the past five years.  With things going so well and literally thinking that I might be in heaven or something, this book reminded me that even after fixing my mistakes, living the ultimate life with so many blessings and success, my heart still only belongs to God…and that feeling in itself, beats any accomplishment I’ve ever made in life.

Mother Teresa reminded me that this next phase of my life is dedicating this amazing life that I so bravely built for myself, to God.  She reminded me that it is now time to utilize the person that God has built me to be, as a loving soldier, to do His will in everything that I am and everything that I do.  More importantly, this next part of life is not meant to be distant from who I have become, but instead it is to be integrated in this spirit of mine.  Integrated into even the simplest of moments and in the most shocking of moments.  I must now let my heart lead the way, now that it is talking to me so clearly and so vehemently.  What feels like anxiety, is really the overly excited feeling to move on and supremely be who God has asked me to be with everyone and everything.  What this looks like at the moment?  It looks like I am having genuine conversations with anyone – no matter their relation to me.  Every person is a spirit to be loved and to be cared for.

In order to do this wholeheartedly, I had to rid my life of my distractions and humble myself in a way that pushes all pride, competition, and control aside.

As a way of humbling myself and finding Jesus in every situation, I have chosen to make real homeless friends as a way to track where my love for each person truly lies.  I am completely at peace sitting with them and swapping stories.  More importantly, it is beyond genuine because when I am with them, I have never felt more in touch with who God wants me to be.  I take these conversations and file them away in my heart, then channel what I learn from them into situations that used to make me angry at the superficial world that we all live in.  So when a friend of mine makes a comment that I normally would get heated about, I apply the compassionate spirit that I am in the classroom and the loving spirit that I am with the homeless, and the result is incredibly peaceful as well as rewarding.  It does not come from an arrogant place, because the homeless and the classroom have taught me to handle the everyday person with love and humility.  It is not the homeless or the kids that we need to fix, shape, or mold – it’s us that we need to fix, shape, or mold.  Frou Frou challenges us to be open to one another and to put aside the superficial distractions of wants and needs.  Her song puts all the distractions at ease and erases them from your heart as she asks you “Are you down to be open?  Show me yours and I’ll show you mine…”  Not everyone can handle it yet, the love that you have to offer, but have faith and have patience.  Keep climbing UP the mountain.  You are not leaving anyone behind.  Instead, you are inspiring everyone to leave their baggage behind and climb with you.

———————————————————————————————————————————————

“Only Got One”

by:  Frou Frou

If this is a question
Is maybe a lie?
If yes doesn’t mean it
Does when lessen why
You are held in a queue
Someone will be with you shortly
Say I’m wrong
You decide
I don’t believe the words you sing sometimes

But then it’s your life
Uh huh, it’s your life
It’s your life
Uh huh, it’s your life

But, you’ve only got one…

If I just to spite you
Placate your disgrace
Will song turn to silence?
Will mask wear your face?
Are you down to be open?
Show me yours and I’ll show you mine
Or are you down just to be down?
I don’t believe the words you sing sometimes

But then it’s your life
Uh huh, it’s your life
It’s your life
Uh huh, it’s your life

But, you only got one

You’ve only got…one…

Burial . . . by Miike Snow

It doesn’t matter how good life is already.  Miike Snow plays with the vision of your own funeral, your own life – a look back at everything you’ve done, in a way that makes you want to enjoy the moment that you leave behind your mark.  Ever since I woke up and admitted that I was special in the way that we are all special and connected, I felt as if my life before marriage was complete and over.  I vowed to start living this next part of my life, post marriage, with that special flare where every person I connect with is for a reason and everything I do goes through the discerning sifter first.  When those moments come where I end up floating through life or blocking a person or situation out, I am aware and catch it quickly.  Inside there is an innate knack to assess where the block is coming from now and a yearning to explore why.  The belief is that this new life is meant to do good in this world no matter the situation and to do good, I must be become unselfish.  That will be my mark left on the world – that I tried in every way to apply an unselfish heart in everything I do and everything that I am.

The interesting part about the path to striving to be unselfish is that it takes, what seem to be, strong selfish decisions and time to reflect and internalize the situations surrounding our hearts.

To be unselfish we must say YES to our hearts’ desires, which makes us feel like we are being selfish, since we are doing something good for ourselves.  There are various quotes, scripture passages, maxims, and beliefs that relate to this very notion.  From the Golden Rule – to love your neighbor as you love yourself, to Gandhi’s “be the change you wish to see in the world”,  there is nothing wrong with working on yourself and benefiting from it in the end.  What we come to realize is that the heart is the source of every burning desire that ultimately will make us a better person, or that will change us for the world’s sake.  I used to feel guilty for feeling blessed and renewed as a by product of pain, suffering, or an unselfish decision.  When I look back at what I had done to receive such joy, the source of the joy was never a breeze.  Teaching has brought incredible joy and the most familial relationships into my life.  Running the Marathon brought me to a state of spiritual ecstasy and completely at peace with my divorce.  Divorce blessed me with a life full of stronger family relationships, a confirmed solid faith in God, and friendships that I had no idea could be rooted with such genuine love and commonality.  So now I can trust that following my heart’s intentions will always be unselfish and for the good of everyone, including myself (a cherry on top).

For me at the moment, I am now in a place of being able to differentiate which decisions are made from my heart and which decisions are made from elsewhere (i.e. my mind, insecurities, fears, friends, pressure, competition etc.).  When I make decisions from elsewhere, I usually feel guilty that I selfishly followed through with something that was solely for a superficial goal.  However, now I put guilt aside.

Though guilt initiates the reflection, it needs to be confronted and then released so that we can be brutally honest with ourselves, and break down the selfish acts with our hearts.

Therefore, after identifying the guilt, I face the source of it by breaking down why the decision only led to a selfish reward.  For example, when dating, I tend to be very surface level at first.  Some would call this being guarded, but I beg to differ.  In my case, I actually am very selfish when dating and am interacting with that person in order to learn something for myself.  Whereas being guarded usually pertains to not wanting to get hurt.  I have now entered a new phase of how I interact with some guys.  I realized this recent selfish approach to dating when I was confronted with the question, “Why are you into me when you are one of the nicest people that I know?”  I was unable provide a real answer in the moment.  To give a solid answer to that question would mean that the other person would benefit from my insight.  Part of me wanted to keep that insight for myself so that I could selfishly receive what I wanted from this person.  Afterward, I answered the question for myself and realized that I regretted not answering the question.  Not because the other person all of a sudden was the love of my life, but because it is our duty to inspire each other in every way and in everything that we do.  By holding back, I did not add any growth to the other person.  My heart was telling me that I needed to figure out why I was holding back the truth from those who ask for it, in situations such as this.

As I sifted through each answer that my mind provided, none of the responses settled with my heart.

When I finally asked my heart why I was wounded or disappointed with my interaction with this person, my heart rose to the surface and explained, “You haven’t been respecting men because part of you does not think a guy is worth the insight.”  When I affirmed this notion to myself, immediately, a weight was lifted from my heart and I replayed the moment in my mind to watch how it would go if I had told the guy why I appreciated him.  When it played out, I saw how he would have benefited as a person from hearing why I was interested in him, the same way you feel when you receive a lot of reassuring compliments that come at the right time in your life (affirmations).  He would then be entitled to confirm these compliments for himself that could potentially change the game of our interactions.  I needed to let that go and allow this relationship to grow in whichever way it was meant to grow.  I also needed to admit that this person should benefit from my insights and have the ability to become a better person because of it.  Isn’t that what I believe I am meant to do here anyway, as a teacher and as a faith seeker?

So why not, in a sense, consider the dating world another outlet for reaching out to people and spreading goodness into the world?

Every interaction counts and wouldn’t it count more if it came from someone that you just happen to be attracted to?  Being that I do have a way with helping others see the potential in themselves, I need to provide that gift even in the dating field in order to inspire more people who are in the midst of their spiritual journey.  The actual date is just a mere stage for two people attempting to have a real interaction based on who they are.  But, I can only see this now that I have taken all selfish desires out of the equation.  Thus, even though I am working on making decisions according to my heart, this is one major area where I need to remind myself to not hold back – that my personal vendetta to think of guys in only a playful manner is now over.  This is an audience I did not realize I could inspire or one that I did not realize is open to inspiration.  Guys are to be respected in the same way that I would provide advice for my students or console a friend in need.  If I hadn’t been monitoring my heart on every other part of my life, I probably would not have picked up on this friction between my heart and my failure to genuinely connect with this person.  I would have passed it off as just another frivolous conversation.  I am thankful and relieved to have noticed this friction and now I am looking forward to applying my gift that I have to the world even in a dating situation, whether I have feelings for the person or not, whether I think the relationship is going anywhere or not, or whether I think I will lose the guys or not.  Often, as women, we try to be coy or pretend that we don’t care in order to avoid getting hurt; this would also be an example of when to not resist what our hearts truly tell us to do.  Granted, practice differentiating a lot between your heart’s decisions and selfish decisions before deciding to use this in the dating world because you might mix up what your “in love heart” wants and what your “soul heart” indicates.  The “soul heart” is unselfish and the “in love heart” only thinks of getting involved romantically or other selfish outcomes.

It is also a relief to know that I am actually that genuine.  That when I am on dates, I actually want to make a connection with the person and am not worried about whether it works out or not; that I am not as selfish as I had thought.  I truly believe in being there for one another in this world and challenging people to show who they really are.  Speaking from the heart, forming genuine connections, and giving insight will payoff in the end and circle back to you ten-times-over.  It is considered unselfish, a good deed, and who knows you could be helping another soul reach that next tier of spiritual growth that we need in this world.  We are all special and a gift to this world…

…we must come to this place in our hearts, so that we can look at each person in this way and truly make unselfish decisions when interacting with others. 

We must strip away the stereotypes, peer pressure, competition, jealousy, and any other distractions that we paint people with.  In the end, we are all one and connected by the same function of the heart.  Our mind is able to compartmentalize and analyze, but the heart is raw, true, and wise.  If the heart is the one thing that we have in common, that has the ability to pass on wisdom and goodness, then we must encourage each other to use it in the way that it was made to function – to act unselfishly.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

“Burial”

by: Miike Snow

Misery is all we know lately
Saturdays are all the same
Sympathy is overrated
Like a snapshot when you’ve lost the game

Now it’s all a funeral
I’ve become a serial killer of us both

No, I don’t wanna get thrown in your ocean
Don’t try, you know that we already know it
It’s over, don’t forget to cry at your own burial

Thinking of my 81st birthday
Every day this body goes to waste
Remembering how I would raise an army
When we went back to your place

Now it’s all a funeral
I’ve become a serial killer of us both

No, I don’t wanna get thrown in your ocean
Don’t try, you know that we already know it
It’s over, don’t forget to cry at your own burial

It’s Good to Be in Love . . . by Frou Frou

Frou Frou forces you to go back to that phase in your life when everything is going right.  “Right” can mean so many things.  It could be in reference to your favorite love story of your life.  It could be the two straight years of such kindred friends and good times that you thought you were your own TV show.  It could be the fluttering of butterflies at the beginning of a new relationship.  It could be the thoughtful gifts that a friend spontaneously leaves on your doorstep.  This song brings to mind a few key moments of different types of love that changed my life and brought me out of the darkness.

After identifying love that comes from others and love within ourselves, we can then maintain the feeling of “being in love” at all times.

To some, this might be the closest thing to heaven on Earth – where loving ourselves is the equivalent to surrendering our lives to God.  To some, this whole notion is unreal and unbelievable.  But I am about to show you the tangible moments in my life, that I have recalled, in order to shine the light on paralleled moments in your life.  These moments are like permanent visions in my mind.  They taught me that ‘being in love’ has been misconstrued with pertaining only to falling in love with someone, but the truest state of being in love is within yourself and ultimately connected to your Higher Power, in my case God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit.  For those of us that still see being in love as limited to that person we are falling in love with, I am here to tell you that even THAT relationship, in itself, can be stronger, if you can do the work to get to a state of ‘being in love’ with yourself.  But, Diane, how can you maintain a state of being such as this, especially when you are blocking out everything and everyone?  Or, am I allowed to maintain a level of being in love with myself – isn’t that considered overly egotistical?  The answer is to come, right here as you witness the love that was bestowed on me in a time of darkness and how I utilized the love in the end to serve others – not myself.

Let’s first take a look at the two phases of “being in love” and “everything in my life is going right.”  They seem to always be connected and there is some truth to that.  When we are in love, a piece of our spirit is being met.  A need is being met, in which, loving energy from another person and affirmation from a person you admire, heals that need.  It starts off slow.  There’s eye contact when you needed to be recognized.  There’s a knowing that the person has been looking at you for quite some time.  In my case, it was a sneeze on the sand and someone said, “Bless you.”  That sneeze, forced me to be seen, whether I was ready to be seen or not.  I wanted to close off the attention because for one, I was lying on the sand with a bag full of self help books and at that time in my life my mind was in the beginning stages of being only interested in the spirit within myself – I was not trying to date or be in a relationship by no means.  Something larger was in control.  This person that heard me sneeze decided to enter into my world that day – in fact he walked over and sat down right next to me.  I was so numb and focused on myself that I didn’t even stop to ward him off.  Something inside me told me to relax and make conversation.  Later, after a couple months of innocent dating, I realized this person was meant to intrude on me that day on the sand.

When I first reflected on this relationship, I was grateful for a couple months of bliss and being admired.  This person confirmed for me that even in my darkest time, I was still the highly spirited person that I am today.  He compared me to the world that he was used to, and said point blankly that I was different because I was unbelievably genuine.  He was determined to figure out how I became this way and I was determined to enjoy the ride.  I told myself that I deserved this one and that I was going to embrace every lighthearted flirting moment in order to teach myself how to accept compliments and admiration.  This one solid confirmation of being genuine was exactly what my spirit was trying to tell my ego as I was analyzing what went wrong in my previous relationship.  I took the lesson for what it was and after some time my heart kept telling me that though dating was a great boost, it was not enough.  I knew that even though things were going really well and I was having so much fun, that the true lesson would be if I could take what I learned and apply it to myself – independently from this person, for my spirit’s sake.

It clicked: there is more to being the person we are supposed to be – and it must come from ourselves, not from another person.

I considered this person an Angel who sought me out on his own accord, gave me the boost I needed in the direction of digging deeper into myself, and now it was time to identify my deepest desires for life on Earth.  That summer, “everything was going right” and I “fell in love” for a short period of time.  However, the two phases of “being in love” and “everything in my life is going right” are two separate entities that follow each other after you have learned how to live with an open heart.  To get to a place of “everything going right” we are first in a low place of life that brought us to a high place of life.  To get to a higher place of life, we must then work on ourselves whether it is through prayer, meditation, sports, or creativity.  These are the basic fundamentals of feeding our spirit exactly what it wants, or following the path that we are supposed to be on.

All of these phrases connect with us or we have heard them before, but we must actually do this instead of fearing that “everything is going right” will end.

We create a routine of self-help scenarios that bring us to a state of enlightenment in our faith, beliefs, or just being here on Earth.  This foundation is called a foundation for a reason.  The foundation sets up the stone for the next step and we must take that next step upward or forward – however you visualize it.  Too many times, we stay on the step or we think this step is the last one and we’ve reached our goal. But it is not!

There is no “end” to the steps – they keep going.

The best is yet to come and we must push forward and keep feeding our spirit, following the path that God has so lovingly laid out for us.  You know!  The path with all the signs and angels and coincidences?!  All the while, using the love from others around us and internalizing it for our energy, our spirit, our soul, and human body.

This creates a positive energy within ourselves – a state of “being in love” all the time, that allows us to see the blessings around us, which then opens our eyes, mind and heart to love (noun, not verb), in the world here on Earth.

Now that we’ve reached this level of being open to all types of love and we are able to define this new energy as Loving Energy, how do we maintain it?  And for those who are ready to maintain it, how do we strengthen and maintain it without being in a relationship?  This is where we all have failed many times and jumped into relationships that seemed to match our level of Loving Energy or we jumped into a relationship, just when we were on a roll of finding ourselves and manifesting all that we had planned for ourselves.  I just recently discovered this and am in the phase where I am ready to maintain this Loving Energy in order to listen to what I am called to do and not let distractions in the way.  Distractions come in many forms, but as a familiar example to all, dating is the number one distraction.  It can pull you away from continuing this path of Enlightenment, path of Faith, and path of facing yourself.

It is important to keep recreating and remembering how you cultivated this energy in the first place in order to live life in a focused way so that you can break past that “give-up” point, where most of us start dating someone.

This is not to say that you should be closed off to dating, but you can sense when someone is not compatible with your path at this point or when you need to continue discerning what your desires are in order to better match up with someone who can join the journey with you.  It is important to not give in for the sake of feeling “in love” and know that if you keep going forward, someone else will come along that is more compatible with your desires and energy.

Five months after I left the marriage, I was living at my parents’ house.  I miraculously was laid off from teaching and devoted this year to looking for a more solid teaching position as well as answering questions about myself in depth – since I was blessed with the time to do this.  My routine was strictly focused on the following questions which then turned into goals:  Where do I go from here?  What is here?  Who do I need to be in order to take the next step in life?  When I pray, what am I praying for?  The answers to these questions were all answered swiftly, but first I surrendered in every way, accepted my current situation, and allowed everything and everyone to be a part of my life if they wanted to be.  The first major shift in loving energy, of course, came from my parents.

I have one bright moment that sticks out amidst the first four months of pain and darkness.  My parents and I were at a typical restaurant spot that they always dined at.  I hadn’t been my chatty self for months and my parents were hoping that one day, I would return to them.  I look back and now I can see what they were thinking.  They always like to keep me between them and now when I picture that night in my head, I can clearly see how when we first started venturing out on diner dates, my mom always sat next to me in the booth and my dad across from me.  My mom was frustrated and was writhing in pain because she couldn’t help me.  All of her questions would overwhelm me and I would either go silent or yell back that I didn’t have any answers yet.  She had decided to take on the role of a protective spirit that would never leave my side again and try to fill the silence with conversation about anything.  I can see her making that promise to herself each night as we cycled through their regular eating spots.  My dad on the other hand wanted to keep me in front of him.  He decided that his Babybear would heal just by looking back at him every now and then – that is if I gave them eye contact.

Their prayers were answered one day, when I came out of my head to inhale the love right in front of me.

At the time, I couldn’t see their healing powers and their undying willingness to be by my side.  I am now able to reflect on their faces sitting with me at the restaurant and I can recall their energy.  The energy is recreated every time I listen to “It’s Good to Be in Love” and it showers me with energy of love and grace – but the kind that I saw through the darkness.  Their faces pop up in my mind as if their faces had frozen in time that night and then I painted it somehow and hung it on the walls of my mind.  Frou Frou eludes to the fact that “it’s good to be in love” but I have discovered that this feeling of love is more than a feeling about a person you want to be with.  It took different types of love to prompt me to look within and connect with the spirit God gave me.  Finally, just like how the Angel on the sand came into my life, my parents felt the energy in me change that night and they went for it!  They flowed with the few words that came out of my mouth and treated me exactly the same way as if I had been Chatty Little Diane that whole time.

Before I reveal the end of this scene at the diner, I must explain that as I was sitting there, I was getting a burning sensation in my chest and my hands.  My mind slowly decided to pay attention to it and listen to the thoughts going on in my head for the first time in a long time.  I was in such a daze everyday to where I had no idea that I wasn’t talking.  My mind seemed to be talking to itself all day.  To myself, I would start with the usual, “I’m sad, but I can’t tell what I look like being sad because when I look in the mirror, I look okay.”  My mind wasn’t ready to process, “I’m sad” so then it would go blank for a while and just stare out the window of my mind.  I would see the birds and trees and the sky and feel a glimpse of what it would be like to be normal again.  My mind would say, “Hey.  That looks nice.  It makes you feel good.  Go there!”  But nothing.  I couldn’t go there.  I didn’t want to feel happy because happiness was not going to be enough to bring me to life.

I knew that facing the pain was the only real way to bring me to life.

 So then, Diane, finally would come back for a moment and tell me, “You know you want to make something.  You always make things.  What will it be this time?  More jewelry…build a birdhouse!?”  I left these thoughts pending…and then more came!  “What would I create next?  I always create something new.  I’ve always had three projects lined up.”  This time, I felt my hands needing to do something.  There was energy in my hands that I couldn’t get rid of.  It was as if, this was the only place I could give or feel love.  I had kept my hand on the remote control for about two months straight and stared out the metaphorical window of my brain as well as the real window to the side of me that allowed me to glance at nature every now and then in the form of our backyard, or “the wilderness” as I like to call it.  But my hands…when I try to sense right now what alerted my hands’ energy, it was my rabbit, Marley.

Marley and I had gone through the fighting, the divorce, and the pain together.  If you don’t believe in animals as spirits, you will now.  My ex-husband and I had bought a rabbit around Easter time, seven months before I decided to leave.  When I left, in October of 2009, she was the one thing I couldn’t leave in the apartment of doom and negative energy.  I could care less about my belongings, but I couldn’t stand to let an innocent living life drown in the muck that stuck to those walls and filled the air.  I literally thought, “She will die.  All life will die in that apartment if I don’t save it.”  So, I packed up my things, but placed her in the car first.  Strapped her cage with a seat belt in the back of my 99’, white, Nissan Sentra and drove over the hill back to my parents’ house.  While recovering at my parents’ heavenly home in Anaheim Hills, I would occasionally step outside to sit in the play-pen area of the home I had made for her.  She would sense I was in the room, come slowly out of her cage and immediately smell me everywhere to confirm that it was me.  I would sit down, criss-cross applesauce, and place a towel that I had always used to hold her, on my lap.  She would sense the towel with her nose real quick and know it was time to cuddle if she chose to.  Marley would first nudge my arm and I would open my arm so that she could climb up under my elbow and arm to assume a cuddling position in my lap.  There, she would settle in with her hind legs and relax her back.

With this, she would send me the vibe of expectation, which expected me to place my hands around her and work on keeping her loved and calm in my lap.

When Marley was done relaxing, she would hop off and go about her business, but if you gave her the opportunity to cuddle more she would feel you out again.  Sometimes we would sit together until my legs went numb.  Sometimes it was a quick pet because she wanted to bounce around instead of cuddle.  But, anytime she gave me the opportunity to cuddle and hold her, I didn’t refuse it.  Somewhere in me, I knew I needed this.  Here, I discovered the energy in my hands.  At the time, I just knew I was petting an animal and I knew that I needed to, but I had no idea that my hands were building the energy to create again, which would then ultimately lead my mind back to sanity, back to love, and back to me.

Going back to the diner booth with my parents… I swam to the surface of reality and chimed in on their conversation.  In Contreras world, this means that I had cut them off mid-conversation.  Normally people are upset when you interrupt their conversation, but my family majors in interrupting and consider it a perfectly normal way of conversing.  We all have been known to take each others’ stories and peel off into a new direction with our own stories.  We take the cake in fighting to voice our thoughts and opinions, but when amongst the Contreras clan, an outsider would take not on how even though we are interrupting each other left and right, there is a system to it.  Like shooting pool, we leave the ball set up for the next shot.  We are always thinking of how a story will lead into someone else’s story and thus, that is our way of passing off the stick to the next player.  And that’s just how it has always been.  You can try to come in and change it, but you will find that the only way to connect with the Clan is to jump in and tell a story or two, or throw in a dig or three.

Now, when I look back and see myself interrupting their conversation, I remember neither of them looked shocked that I interrupted them and unlike my family, they gave me their undivided attention for a brief moment.  I can see my mom thinking, “She’s back!” and I can see my Dad saying, “Haha!  Here she goes, I missed the ‘Specials’ talking too much.”  I started off slow, like when you wake up in the morning and you are not sure if your voice works anymore.  But I came out with a slight boom, whereas if you know me, I normally come with a BOOM of EXCITEMENT in your FACE!  I began with, “Let’s re-do the rooms in the house!  I took over all the rooms when the boys left for college and I never finished the job.  We changed Michael’s room to the computer room, to make it an office space for Daddy, but we need to really make it scream you Dad!  We might as well make it a Dodger room slash office and then we can decorate it with all your collectibles and pictures.  I could design the whole thing and paint it the color of their vintage uniforms – you know gray pant color and Dodger Blue accents?!  And then I can paint my room and make it like the ocean or something…”  It was so easy for me to identify that my Dad would be happiest doing his work in a place that defined him and in an atmosphere where Vinn Scully’s voice soothes the soul, but it was hard for me to even finish my thought about myself and my own room.  To show love for myself and to care for myself actually hurt inside.  I can feel it now.  I can feel what I felt then.  I was hurting with pain that you don’t wish upon anyone.  I was destroyed inside and this was the one spark of love that I had left in myself and for myself.

But I got it out there and my Dad finished the sentence – he went for the chance to boost me in the right direction.  The direction in which my soul, my spirit, my hands, and my heart were calling me toward.

He cut me off with, “Ya, we’ll get the paint tomorrow and you’ll go with me.”  And that was that.  Mom didn’t say a word, which is unusual and Dad made it a reality; I had no choice but to paint.  They were going to make sure of it.  Just like the Contrerases, they went right back to storytelling about what happened at work and what my brothers were up to and all the family drama and how much weight my dad lost and my mom’s celebrity updates from Access Hollywood (gotta love it).  Today, the room that I painted for myself is still there.  We call it the Healing Room  – three walls of gray-toned blue, like the ocean water on an overcast day, and the wall with the window is sky blue, only letting through rays of sunshine and fresh air.  The curtain around the window is sheer white with designs of coral and bottom-of-the-ocean swirls.  The walls are covered with white shelves, holding starfish, shells, jewelry that I made during that time in my life, and candles.  Two years later, my mom was critically ill and after a few surgeries she recovered in the healing room as well.  Today, my Grandma Irene, where I get my middle name from, is comforted by these walls of love and resilience.  I know that she feels completely at peace when she sleeps there at night, as she, my mom, and I have all experienced the peace of the oceanic walls and listened to the same thoughts as we drifted away into a reverie.  A seed of love was planted in this room for all to see and feel.  Now, the memories of this room bring love and joy to all who stay in it.

Such a simple act of love from the Angel on the sand, to the love I had left for myself, to the grand love of my parents that I couldn’t even sense back then.  I had just considered it a usual family moment where everyone talks over one another, but embedded in that typical night was a conscious act to love, made on their part.  You can see the energy being passed from one person to the next when you break it down like this.  But, I wasn’t able to do this before.  I wasn’t able to face these moments again, unless I played this song and recreated it for myself.  I allow a song associated with a memory to play on repeat and it prompts me to stay focused on the message I am trying to work out or reach.  I do this especially when I can sense I am in denial or avoiding the truth about a particular part of my life.

The whole time I have faith that if I can recreate these moments and watch them in slow motion according to the feeling and energy that I remember, then I can break it down for all to see. 

I know that if you are on the same page, you will be able to look back and break down these scenes for yourself.  Sometimes these moments in life are prohibiting you from understanding something about yourself right now.  Currently, I am facing the next phase in life where I have defined love for myself and love for God.  I am open to relationships, but I can tell when someone is a distraction or when someone gives and receives love with the same light as me.  As I observe and discern about the energy in these prospective people, I continue to go back to these memories in order to solidify what love is for me and how I plan to share that with the world.  Though this is a great plan for a relationship, this is NOT a front and center desire when I’m walking around the streets of Santa Monica.  Maintaining “being in love” is to keep us focused on how this path is FOR US and that we can apply this energy to ALL the parts of our lives; therefore, dating should not be a front and center thought or desire…

Focus.  On.  You.

You are the desire, the variable, the change, the seeker, and the inspiration.  I apply this concept to all of the relationships in my life: friendships, family relationships, co-workers, dating, strangers on the streets…in the words of my Aunt Margie, “It’s all about me!”  Not everything is an ego trip – spend some time with your soul.  Now that I apply it consistently to all the areas of my life, I see the change in myself and in all the relationships in my life; when one blooms, we all bloom!  It isn’t easy to face these loving memories, which is the whole point.

The loving memories are the worst ones because they define the love that you feel so unworthy of giving to yourself.

We must accept that we are worthy of all types of love in order to fully face our fears.  If we can get here, then this is one huge step in the right direction to manifesting everything for yourself through God and your divine belief.  When I pray, I can sense when I have doubt or that I’ve hit a wall.  This is when I must go inside and do this work on myself.  I must face that particular energy connected to the love and allow myself to be filled with it.  We then must take this foundation of love from others and of ourselves to truly paint the walls of our lives with our own mantras written all over it.  I pray that this will serve as a solid foundation as you look into your soul.  Let it be the ladder that I have sent down for you, to pull you up from wherever you are.

——————————————————————————————————————————————–

“It’s Good To Be In Love”

by:  Frou Frou